The Laser's Edge

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First, let me say how excited I am to be the newly elected vice president of PETA: People for the Ethical Treatment of Adventurers, which is not to be confused with that other PETA group—unless the confusion elicits a donation. I am proud to be part of an organization that includes so many brave pioneers. I salute my fellow adventurees who, like me, have gone where no one has gone before, and especially those who have gone and told everyone not to go there, and in particular those who have gone and never come back. Wherever you are—thank you for going.

Many of you are wondering why I ran for VP as opposed to P, and the answer is EZ. As second in command, I will attend state funerals and get to wear black, which is slimming. I will also be free of any real responsibility unless, for whatever reason, I want to start a war. And then, hey, don’t look at me, look at the P!

I have already begun to fulfill my promise of change. Note the highlighted hair. And, hello, new reading glasses. I’ve also honored my pledge to lower faxes, saving us trees and the need to read. But the biggest change I’ve made since becoming powerful is the outsourcing of my job as ELLE’s resident guinea pig to Emily, our beauty director, who for years has looked at me and said with a smile, “Your next column is a new procedure that could leave you hideously scarred and undatable for life—but I’m sure you’ll be fine.” While that quote is not verbatim, it is close in the way that Alaska is close to Russia—very.

Sweet Emily. Should I send her to get a hot-rock massage at an exotic spa in a fabulous foreign country? Oh, I don’t think so. How about a makeover! Bor-ring. Teeth whitening? Nyet. Nipple waxing? Getting warmer. I know! Let’s send Em on an adventure to test the new MiXto Micro Fractional C02 skin-resurfacing laser, which will burn off her entire face! But I’m sure she’ll be fine.

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